Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize