Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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