he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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