So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
