I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize