the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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