you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
