4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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