I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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