I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize