so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
