My friends, they love my intelligence
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
