I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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