Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
...so i touched it.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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