did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
