Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize