OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
where are you?
Hypothermia
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
