Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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