I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
