even my farts smell like vagina
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
