I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
