I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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