Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
