Ambien. No doubt about it.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
