Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
