I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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