I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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