If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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