I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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