Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
