One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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