Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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