New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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