it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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