someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
