dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
