it was like his penis was on wheels.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
