Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Randomize
