and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize