I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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