Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
