Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
