roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
