Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
