I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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