he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
