You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I intend to get homeless drunk
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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