I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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