I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
