fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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