Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
