I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do you have feelings for this penis?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize