I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
