"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
