Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
