just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
