i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
