a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
