This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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