Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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