I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
