Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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